5 posts from March 2008
- January
- February
- March
- April
- May
- June
- July
- August
- September
- October
- November
- December
I spend the world’s most ridiculous amount of time driving. Okay, I’m sure a lot of people spend more time on the road than I do. But most people who drive for hours every day get paid for the hassle. But I digress…
Here’s the gig: I listen to a LOT of radio. From Grand Rapids to the heart of Detroit, I’ve got the stations down. NPR, hip hop, rap, top 40, you name it. I even know which stations play country! (that’s when you KNOW I listen to too much radio!)
And in my hours upon hours of radio enjoying/critiquing/loathing, I have discovered two good reasons to hate America. They have names. Are you ready?
Phil Collins. Journey.
And that’s all I have to say about that.
Ladies and gentlemen, it is my distinct pleasure to introduce to you the world premier of the latest national campaign: Competent Drivers UNITE!
A networking and support group for competent drivers across the country, this is an open forum designed to foster honest and open communication about the habits and practices necessary for the worldwide spread of driving competency. Recognizing that the vast majority of Americans seem to lack the skills and knowledge necessary to ensure their own highway safety, we feel it is our obligation as United States citizens to open their minds to new frontiers, all the while discouraging bad habits and offering helpful advise and solutions to common, everyday problems. We seek to reach out to those less competent than ourselves, though we will not hesitate to point out their downfalls and weaknesses. This is justified, however, by our intent to remain in close accord with the rapidly growing domestic movement to make our freeways safer, cleaner, and moving along ever more quickly. This goal can only be achieved by the increase of competency on our roadways.
Competent Drivers UNITE! (CDU!) seeks the unity of all drivers under the rules and regulations outlined by the competent ones. We are of course open minded in our pursuit of this goal; we will be happy to entertain suggestions from the incompetents, though we reserve the right to ridicule them.
Membership for Competent Drivers UNITE! will be launched shortly. Stay tuned for more details.
I’m not one to take bits and pieces out of the Bible and leave the rest behind. In my opinion (or, more importantly, the way I understand the Bible’s teachings), you take it all or skip the whole thing. But, I gotta tell ya…I think Paul missed somethin’.
He missed the gift of sarcasm.
I feel it necessary to point this out because it’s by far the strongest gift I have. Sure the gifts of administration, prophecy, encouragement, teaching and giving all have their place. But shouldn’t sarcasm be mentioned too?
I have taken my gift of sarcasm and utilized it in every possible situation, carrying out this gift with the greatest dedication, just like Paul exhorts believers to do with all their gifts. I have been cheerfully sarcastic, liberally sarcastic, faithfully sarcastic, even lovingly sarcastic! (According to Jake, the number one rule of friendship is “Never miss an opportunity to hose your friend.”)
Have you ever read Paul’s letters? Sometimes, they drip with sarcasm. Even Jesus got a little sarcastic with the religious leaders from time to time. So, if Paul had this gift…and Jesus...and me...and a large number of other people I know (LG3, anyone?)…why can’t I find it anywhere in Scripture?
Sigh. I’m telling you. Paul and I, we’re gonna have to talk about this someday.
I rolled out of bed at 5:30 this morning to finish a homework assignment I was too lazy to finish last night. Had to write a report on the ethnic migration patterns of people groups in the former Soviet Union after the collapse of the USSR. Don’t I lead the exciting life.
The implications of the report were interesting though. Most of the migration was the result of regional conflicts and civil war. The textbooks blame “political instability” for the subsequent bloodshed, but isn’t that a bit of a cop out? Of course war stems from political instability! But it’s not like political instability just appears overnight as a strange phenomenon in no way attached to the people. "Political instability" is just the outward expression of something deeper.
Do you ever wonder why wars break out? Not the typical “Country X rolled tanks into Country Y today, citing Country Y’s refusal to eliminate the military base by the southwest border of the two countries as a threat to its own people too large to be ignored” explanation, but really, at the heart of it all — what causes war? What happens between individuals that allows a mental transition justifying picking up a gun or flying a fighter jet or dropping an atomic bomb, all in the name of saving humanity?
The only answer I’ve ever been able to reach is that we, as individuals, are so amazingly capable of hating each other and holding infinite grudges that we can justify almost anything in an attempt to “bring about justice.” Mass destruction, forcing thousands or millions of people from their homes, the killing or maiming of men, women and children…it’s all okay, right, because there’s a principle to be learned and we need to make sure the world learns it!
Who are we kidding?
Maybe the cause of warfare isn’t political. Peel back the jargon and get real. Maybe the cause is personal. Just like everything else in life. And maybe our refusal to recognize that fact and take any sort of personal responsibility is why the effects of war have been more tragic in the last century than at any other time in history.
There are a lot of things that I consider to be a la Americana. Chain stores. Overusage of street lights and underusage of yield signs (which is probably a good thing, since no one around here can figure out that “yield” is not a synonym for “stop”). An addiction to buying ultra cheap consumer products made with ridiculously cheap labor while simultaneously chewing out your Congresswo/man for not doing more to protect the U.S. labor market. Complaining about politicians while making no attempt to get to know the character of those running for office.
But for all these things, there’s one very American habit that I don’t understand how the rest of the world lives without:
The caffeine/sugar combo.
Of course I realize that the rest of the world doesn’t “do without” these items. They’re available in mass quantities just about everywhere. But I’m not sure that any other country or culture consumes them in such an obsessive-compulsive manner as we do here in the U.S. I recognize that this addiction contributes to our morbidly high obesity rates, but I genuinely have no idea how I would survive without it.
So, am I as addicted as the next person? Well…no, not exactly. It’s not like I can’t live without caffeine and sugar. It’s just that I believe in using them for the drugs/energy-boosters that they are.
And I have a sneaking suspicion that the key to America’s demise isn’t tied directly to politics or economics. Switch the brew in every coffee shop to decaf and eliminate soda and chocolate and the nation would collapse within minutes.
