I just need lip gloss, okay?

The greatest tragedy of the most recent airline carry-on restrictions isn't the added time required for security and checking baggage, or the general ban on liquids and gels, or even the prohibition on water (when have you seen those two words in a sentence together?). No, my friends. The greatest tragedy of the recent restrictions is the ban on lip gloss.

You think I kid. I assure you, I do not. Yes, I realize lipstick and chapstick are allowed - but they represent absolutely no comparison. It is a sin - I repeat, a sin - to disallow me to carry lip gloss on a plane. Ask anyone who has traveled with me since the recent ban. The complaint "UH! I need my lip gloss!" escapes my mouth at least once every 5 minutes.

As much of a tragedy as this phenomenon is, my trip to D.C. last week presents another one...

I was standing in the security line to get on the plane leaving Reagan National, all ready to get pulled for a bag check-through and pat-down, which, incidentally, happens to me every time. I'm getting used to it. Almost. Anyway...in front of me stands another member of the group from Michigan, I'll call her Candy. So Candy's in front of me, and our bags go through the x-ray machine at the same time. I see the face of the man watching the x-ray screen look somewhat startled. He pauses the machine, pulls the bags back, then calls over another security guard. That man's eyebrows raise not-so-slightly, and he pulls Candy's bag from the machine. "Whose bag is this?" he asks. Candy waves her hand. "Ma'am, please step over here. We have got to have a look in this thing."

Amused, I continue through, get pulled aside as always, and as I'm waiting for the man who's going through my bag, I hear the security guard with Candy abruptly burst into laughter. A moment later, I get my bag and head down the terminal toward the gate. Candy catches up with me a couple minutes later.

Me: "What was that all about?"

Candy: "You would never believe it!"

Me: "What??"

Candy: "He took my lip plumper!!!!"

Me, sputtering: "HUH??"

Candy: "He took my LIP PLUMPER!"

Me: "Your...what??"

Candy, staring at me like I'm an idiot: "My Lip. Plumper. He took it. It's gone. Forever. Gone forever. He stole my lip plumper." Pause. ""Betcha he really just wanted to try it out for himself."

Me: "What the heck is a lip plumper?!"

Candy: "What?? How do you know what that is? It plumps your lips, just like it says."

Me: eyebrows up.

Candy: "Oh, it's all-natural. Just feels like a bee sting but it works like a charm."

Me: "It's all-a-naturale and feels like a bee sting? Girl, you got issues."

Candy, laughing: "I'm telling you, that man wanted to try it out for himself. He knows it isn't a weapon."

Me: "What did it look like?"

Candy: "Oh, kinda like scissors with a bunch of pointed, jagged edges."

Me: "And you tried to put that on your CARRY-ON?"

Candy: "Umm...yeah....  Oh. Yeah, I guess that kinda does sound like a weapon, huh?"

Now I must admit...I still don't view dear Candy's dilemma as a tragedy as horrible as my own forced fast from lip gloss, but y'know...I found a friend that day. She spent the next 2 hours lamenting her lost lip plumper. I spent the next 2 hours beleaguering the airline industry for forcing lip-gloss-absent-torturous existence upon me. In the end, we were sisters.

And that's the end of my story.